Monday, April 19, 2010

So close and self-sabotaging...

Jillian Michaels is right...what got me to this weight and what's stopping me from moving forward.

I was on track in March to just kill it this month and have my competition body by the end of this month. I'm super frustrated with myself that for the last three weeks, I've been holding steady at 137. 137 was my ending weight at the end of the first Tight Curves Transformation.

What is going on? I started slacking on my diet and hanging out with friends who like to eat. Why am I not telling "no"? A part of me does not want to be alienated from them because I don't want them to start questioning my nutrition plan (which we all know is a part of competing). I don't want to not hang out with my friends but I need to be around people with similar lifestyles so I won't be put in temptations way and won't be chided for competing. My trainer told me that I need to be selfish for at least 8 weeks and tell my friends and family what I'm doing and that they need to understand because I've never asked them for anything else... ok, that's step one.

The other part of me is afraid of failing and looking for the excuse now. Having my figure put under scrutiny is bringing back the feelings of uncertainty and rejection from being a chubby kid to the usual bikini insecurities from my teenage years. I need to push past that and stand up for myself against my insecurities. Jillian says that I need to find the pain, deal with it, and learn to be constructive and not self-destructive when I am under the stress. I half jokingly told Sobrina that I was going to eat that new KFC chicken sandwich, the one with no buns. She said, "think of how bad you'll feel about yourself tomorrow if you eat that now. " That's been resonating in my head.

I love envisioning my ultra tan abs in a sparkling figure bikini as I pose with the utmost confidence on stage because I know I'm rockin' it. Just got to keep going... so close that I can feel the excitement of being on stage...